Royal Pain in the Neck
by MissDomaYuset
Summary: Hello! My name is Dib, and I'm a Paranormal Investigator in training. I chase Big Foot, foiled Chicken Foot, proven that Hobos are real...ish. My greatest rival is an evil Irken named Zim. But none of that scares me! Nope, not a thing... except children.
1. It Starts

Okay now. This shall be my first Invader Zim fanfiction, so be nice. Oh, and in a desperate attempt to gain even more reviews, check out my profile for some rocking' Yugioh stories! Well, it is time for you to enjoy my little story. Think of it as the season that never aired. I don't own Invader Zim; I'm too busy trying to take over Yugioh before 4Kids completely ruins it. DARN YOU CENSORSHIP! DARN YOU! (Now while I'm off ranting about a completely different show, enjoy the fic, okay?)

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**DEAR JOURNAL,**

**Well, today was another let down. I managed to yank of Zims' stupid wig, but everyone was too entranced with some stupid bug to notice. Then one of the kids ate the bug. I swear, if I didn't know better, I'd say I was the only intelligent being here. But things are looking up. Some foreign exchange student from Canada is coming to live with us. I don't know his name or how long he is staying, just that he is from Canada and is supposed to be really good with computers. Maybe we can team up and expose Zim! I can't wait! Till next time, _Dib._**

Dib closed his journal and placed it back into its hiding place. (Which is under his bed. Dib isn't so good at hiding stuff.) Earlier today, Dad called on the floating computer thing and said the student would be here at six o' clock sharp. Twirling the pen in one hand he quickly checked his watch. 5:59pm. One more minute, and the mystery kid will be at the front door; arms filled with suitcases and alien destroying gadgets. Dib rolled his eyes and laughed. "Yea, and then I'm going to skip though a field of flowers with Gaz, and wear a pink dress." Dib muttered to himself sarcastically. Just then, an unseen force smacked against his big head causing him to fall onto the ground.

Gaz was standing over her big brother with a giant almanac, which she bowered from her dad. "Stop talking to yourself, and get your butt downstairs. The Canada nerd is here." She growled. Dib flashed a big silly grin and got onto his feet. "Alright! Zim, prepare yourself for DOOM!" He yelled. That earned him another whack from his sister.

After Dib regained consciousness, he ran downstairs at full speed eager to meet this new kid. Visions of tall cool guys ran though his brain but when he came to the living room, the images shattered immediately. Sitting on an over stuffed easy chair was a six year old girl, happily swinging her feet. She was wearing pink sneakers, a pink skirt, and (You guessed it) pink fluffy sweatshirt. She had shoulder length hair that was a dirty blond and big bright blue eyes'. Her eyes were drawn in the same style as Taks'. To sum it up, she was very girly looking, and very adorable. Not the type to blow up and expose aliens.

Dib just stood there, mouth agape like a buffoon. Gaz shrugged and went back to her Game slave. The little girl stopped swinging her tiny feet and smiled at Dib. "Hi! What's your name?" She asked in a high-pitched voice. Dib slapped himself in the head to snap himself back into reality. "Uh-My name? My name is Dib. Are you-?"

"Yep, I'm the Canada nerd! But I prefer Canadian. And most people call me Tami. Just Tami." The girl interrupted. She continued to ramble on and on about her name and her shoes. Dib scratched his head and poked at sisters' shoulder. "Hey Gaz," he whispered. "Isn't she a little young to be an foreign exchange student?" "How should I know?" Gaz growled.

An hour passed, and Tami was still rambling about things only a six year old would ramble about. (Candy, snacks, the color pink) Dib was prepared to throw himself out the window out of insanity when Gaz asked an interesting question. "Tami, where is your bags?" Tami stopped talking (Thank God!) and stared blankly at the wall. "I think I lost them on the trip here." She said carefully. Then she went back to jabbering about pink candy.

Gaz grumbled something under her breath and went upstairs, still playing her Game slave. Two seconds later, she came back downstairs and heaved a heavy cardboard box at Dib who unfortunately got crushed under its weight. "C-Cant…B-Breath…" Gasped Dib. The little girl watched in interest as Gaz blew the dust off the top and opened the lid. Inside were neatly folded little girl clothes. Gothic little girl clothes. "You can use this stuff. Have Dib carry it to your room." The girl nodded her head like a bobble head.

The next morning was murder for Dib. Exhausted, he tiredly dragged himself out of bed and got ready. Dib was to tired to change last night, so dressing up wasn't a problem. No one would notice anyway, he wore the same alien smiley face shirt and trench coat every day. Quickly combed his scythe like hair and having brushed his teeth for a full thirty seconds, (Dr. Membrane programmed the toothbrush to self destruct if the user stops brushing any sooner.)

Downstairs, he found Tami chewing on burnt waffle in the kitchen. Gaz on the other hand was drinking a glass of orange juice. "Tami, you should have had Gaz help get breakfast." Stated Dib, taking out a box of cereal. "I tried to help her. She insisted on brunt waffles." Grumbled Gaz. The little girl nodded in agreement. "It must be an Canadian thing…"

Dib vaguely noticed the girl was still in her pink sweatshirt. She was wearing a black skirt and a teddy bear backpack as well. "Come on Tami, we are going to be late." Dib sighed.

Dib ended up walking toward the dreaded skool hand in hand with the funny little girl, who by the way was babbling about something. Dib stopped listening to what she was saying a long time ago. (Two hours) Along the way, Zim was seen running down the street screaming like a mad man. "NO! IT'S GOING TO EAT ME! ITS GONNA EAT ZIM!" Dim raised an eyebrow when he saw it was only a puppy that was chasing him.

"Who is that?" Tami chirped in a high-pitched voice. "Oh, that's just Zim. He is an alien." Dib answered. The girl gave a big goofy smile. "Yay!" She cried.

"No Tami, not 'Yay'. He is here to destroy the earth." Dib scolded. The girl stared at Dib with her huge blue eye, and giggled. Rolling his eyes, Dib led her into the skool.

Tami is six years old, and was put in a first grade class. Dib was sitting in his normal seat, across the room from Zim. After a few hours of Ms. Bitter's lesson on Doom, and total boredom, it was time for lunch. Yay, now we can go back to the fun part of the story!

Dib was sitting next to his sister Gaz, who was playing with her game slave. Poking at his rock like mashed potatoes, he saw little Tami on the other side of the room with a tray of food looking a bit lost. Dib started to call her over when her eyes lit up with happiness and ran to sit at the lunch table, across the room where Zim was sitting. "Oh no Gaz, Tami is sitting with Zim! Who knows what terrible things Zim will do to her?" Dib shrieked. Gaz just kept playing. Dib frowned. "Gaz, this is the part where we make a heroic rescue."

"Dib, She is sitting across the room, not in a pit of lava. Now shut up before I break your face." She muttered. Dib shrugged and walked over to Zims table with his own tray of food.

Zim, who also had a tray of food, was busy ranting to the little girl about how 'normal' and 'human' he is. "I ZIM, am a perfectly normal human with a simple skin infection. As you can see, ZIM am much more superior then you earth monkeys." He told the little girl. Tami sat there, nodding to everything. Dib seated himself across from Zim and Tami. "Zim, what are you telling her?" He asked. Zim stared at Dib and grinned. "Nothing Dib-stink I am simply telling the earth girl that I ZIM am not an alien invader, and not plotting some GENIUS plan to destroy the world. That's all." Zim explained. Tami nodded.

"Tami, don't tell me you believe him!" Cried Dib.

"But I do! And I believe you too!" Tami said.

"You can't believe us both, that doest make sense!"

"It doesn't?" Asked Tami.

"No!" Yelled Dib.

"Who are you going to believe Tami? Me? Or this stinky human?" Challenged Zim.

Tami thought carefully for a second and answered. "Yes."

"Yes what?"

"Yes, I believe"

"WHO?" Zim and Dib asked.

"Who what?"

Dib smacked his face in frustration. "Tami, just answer this question." Tami nodded. "Zim is an Alien, true or false?"

"Yes."

"…You are trying to annoy me, aren't you?"

"Yes."

Dib sighed and buried his face into his hands. "This isn't happening to me…"

The school bell rang just then and it was time to go back to class. Dib noticed Tami's plate and saw it was still covered with food. "Aw Tami, why didn't you eat anything?"

"I don't know. I guess I was too busy talking" Replied Tami, tossing her plate into the garbage can. Somehow, that didn't really surprise Dib.

After skool, Dim and Tami were walking back home together. Tami was telling Dib everything she did that day, leaving no detail unnoticed.

"-And then we learned the animals, and our letters and how to draw a zebwa!" Cheered Tami; holding up a crudely drawn picture of a zebra. "Its pronounced zee-BRA Tami. Not zeb-WA." Dib said tiredly. Tami looked at Dib with a blank stare and grinned. "I wuv my zebwa…" She sighed hugging the paper. Dib sighed and decided to let it go for now.

Zim was running after them, trying to catch up. "HEY DIB-STINK! WAIT FOR YOUR FUTURE SLAVE MASTER!" He screamed, nearly out of breath. Dib groaned, but waited for the green boy anyway. Who knows, maybe he was going to expose another secret plot to destroy the earth. Zim was soon standing in front of Tami and Dib pointing his finger at the girl. "I don't know why, but you seem to be awfully familiar. Tell Zim why I feel I have seen you before although I never been to this AWFUL dirtball before."

Tami became quiet, and didn't answer. Dib glared at Zim. "Listen you alien, I don't want you to go around scaring six year olds. She is perfectly normal, and…"

"You think I look familiar?" Asked Tami.

Zim nodded. "Yes. You remind Zim of someone, someone very annoying…"

"You mean like ya mama?" Shouted Dib. Zim looked at Dib with confusion.

"No. She looks nothing like a mechanical arm. You are very strange to think such a thing."

Dib growled and dragged Tami back home, leaving Zim standing on the sidewalk by himself. "Stupid Zim. Tami is perfectly normal. Annoying yes, but human none the less..."

"Dib?" Asked Tami.

"What is it Tami?" Muttered Dib.

"Why are you talking to yourself?"

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Well, okay. I'm done. I'll try to update, but for now, I MUST STOP WRITING NEW STORIES! TT I mean, I haven't finished one yet! This is making things worse! But I hope this was a good start anyway, hope you enjoyed it. R&R please!


	2. Dib Dibby Diddly doo

**NOTE! This story is **_**still**_** on hold. I just have this chapter floating around and thought, "Ah, why not?"**

**Also, I have hit a massive obstacle in updating Tolerance.**

**My mom.**

**(Roll over and dies)**

**And I feel really bad because I promised I would, and for a reviewers birthday as well. I will contact her/him later to see if he/she wants a request.**

**And I can't update ANYTHING AT ALL next week for thanksgiving. I will be in Mexico, at a wedding.**

**And if giving the choice…**

**I would still go to Mexico, for a wedding.**

**HA!**

**DISCLAIMER: I own none of the original!**

"I hate kids." I stated to Gaz. She rolled her eyes at my bad mood.

"Shut up you whiner." She said. She pressed pause on her game and pulled a camera from the bookshelf. I didn't bother stopping her. I was too humiliated.

Tami, the sweet little foreign exchange student was placing braids and ribbons in my hair. She originally wanted to do them on Gaz, but my sister refused. And I just can't say no to chibi eyes.

So like I said, I hate little kids.

"You look so pretty-full!" exclaimed Tami. "Just like a comet fairy!"

I raised an eyebrow. "A what?"

She grinned. "A comet fairy! They come to good little…uh…kids to grant them a wish! But only in their sleep!"

It was a bit funny; she seemed to have forgotten the word 'kid' for a second. But then, maybe she was trying to remember the word 'children', and gave up and said the word 'kid'. Am I thinking too hard about this?

It didn't matter. "Okay Tami, can I take off the braids now?" I asked sweetly.

"You asked that five times! I am not done yet!" She protested. She made a reach for the bells. I had to think fast.

"Uh…Tami? Wouldn't you like to go out? We can do whatever you want, like…"

"…Like seeing Zim?" She asked, sounding hopeful.

I frowned. "No Tami, not like seeing Zim. I told you, he is a bad alien!"

"Is not!" She argued.

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Is NOT!"

"IS TOO!"

"NOT!"

"TOO!"

"NOT TIMES FOREVER!"

"TOO TIMES FOREVER AND BACK!"

"There is no such thing!"

"Is too!"

"Is not!

"Is…"

"SHUT UP!" Gaz screamed. "I expected that from Tami, but Dib, you are such a idiot!"

I shrugged apologetically. And Gaz was right; I was the oldest. I should know better. "Okay. I guess it wouldn't hurt to show Tami how evil Zim can be. All we have to do is make sure to keep a good distance away from him." I said.

Tami squealed in delight. She ran off to her temporary room to change or something. Why do girls do that before leaving their house? All guys have to do is get up, and walk out…

"You are not going out like that, are you?" Gaz asked me, pointing at my hair.

I paused. "Um…no."

Today, I couldn't just get up and leave. And these braids are going to be a monster to get out.

**0o0**

_Forty-five minutes later_

**0o0**

Here is a fun fact about Tami. She doesn't know how to braid hair. She ties knots. (Sighs)

Tami was all ready down stairs. She giggled at my hair, which is now sticking up and out in the strangest directions. It will take days for my hair to return to normal.

The Game Slave once again distracted Gaz. Tami could of burned down the house and she would have never had noticed.

I sighed heavily and took Tami by the hand. "Lets go…"

It wasn't a very far walk to Zim's home. But if you had to listen to the random chanting of a child for the whole way, you would have to literally cling to lamppost to keep yourself from hurting the brat… or from jumping in front of a bus. Whatever came first?

And now the gods of chaos is working overtime. Tami is now talking about my name.

"Dib rhymes with fib! And with Kib, sib, nib, limb, did, Dibby, Didib up di do…."

"ENOUGH!" I yell. I pointed across the street. "Look, there is Zim's home. See how it is glowing? That is because all the generators inside." I explained.

Tami looked at me as if I was insane. "Generators don't make a house glow! Holograms do."

I blinked. "Um… Yeah. I guess that's a possibility. But there is no way you can know for sure."

Tami turned pale for a second. "Yeah… nope! No way! Lalalalala…."

What is wrong with this kid? I couldn't help but to think she had some sort of ADD or ADHD.

"Anyway…" I said, with a hint of suspicion. "We… I. I am going inside to take a few photos. You are going to stay here, where it is safe. I'll come out and show you the photos and you can see the PURE EVIL-NESS OF IT ALL!" I shouted dramatically, pointing at the sky. Tami looked up, to see what I was pointing at.

"Oh, a pretty bird! HIII BIIRDYY!!!" She screamed, waving at a crow that was flying overhead.

I had to admit, that was a bit adorable. But this was no time for child's play! I pretended to be annoyed.

"Uh huh… yes. Well, just stay here… DON'T MOVE. I will be right back. STAY!" I walked backwards towards the house to make sure she was staying put. She wasn't moving, but did seemed a bit upset that I was treating her like an untrained puppy.

I felt for a doorknob, still having my back turned, and quickly opened and closed the door. Once inside, I sighed. Okay. Its time to focus…

"WHAT YOUUUUU DOI'N?" Screamed a metallic voice. I screamed in surprise and dropped the camera in hand. The lens made a loud cracking noise when it hit the ground.

I fell to my knees. "Why me? No, really, why me?" I asked the ceiling.

Gir gave me a quick hug and ran off into the living room. I hate that robot.

Zim walked came out of his toilet… god that is so gross. He glares at me. "Dib-Stink, what are you doing here… and with a broken camera?"

I glared back. "For you information, Gir broke it!"

Zim snickered. "Yes, and once more, I AM THE VICTOR! Victory for Zim!" He cheered.

I groaned in annoyance and got up. "I got to go, have fun gloating."

"ZIM IS NOT A GOAT!"

"…Right." I opened the door to get out when Tami ran inside. "Tami! I told you too…"

Tami ignored me and ran up to Zim. She grinned widely. "Hi!" She greeted in a squeaky noise.

Zim looked at her and back at me. "The female earth drone is…"

I rolled my eyes and took her by the arm. "Is what Zim? Annoying you? Get used to that, she does that a lot."

Zim shook his head. "No… She is just… Ugh… Familiar."

I was still dragging Tami to the door. "Unless you've been to Canada, that isn't possible."

Zim looked at me strangely. "Canada is a planet?"

I promptly slammed the door shut.

I hate Zim.

Tami was skipping off without me. I quickly followed after. Already, I could tell that this school year was going to be exhausting.


	3. Boo Hoo

I can't think of anything

**I can't think of anything!**

**So I'm going to add another chapter to Royal Pain In The Neck.**

**I might take it off hold.**

**DISCLAIMER: I own none of the original.**

**Dear Journal,**

**I never liked little kids. I never hated them, but I just didn't enjoy being around them. Tami is an…interesting character. I think I learned a lot from her, about brats… Kids I mean. I learned a lot about kids. Since the past weekend, the following has happened to me.**

**1: Tami demanded bedtime stories, and asked me to read aloud her favorite tales. But I never hear of **_**Hobbly Xeo, **_**or **_**The Brave Little Drone.**_** She was really sad about that, and almost cried. But she seemed to enjoy the ones I did know anyway.**

**2: Once, Tami called me a 'Taller'. It was weird, but I ignored it. I guess she wants to grow up faster.**

**3: Tami ate nothing but milk, waffles, and other bland breads. She seemed to like cheese puffs, but other then that… I need to do something about her diet. It's not healthy.**

**4: Seriously, what is so great about Zim? She asks about him a million times a day.**

**5: I was watching Star Wars the other day with Gaz and Tami. Tami started laughing uncontrollably, and Gaz chased her out the room with a bat. I didn't exactly stop Gaz, the little brat was laughing for ten minutes straight.**

**6: On Sunday night, I tried to get Tami into the bathtub. She screamed and yelled and locked herself up in the closet. By the time I got her out, it was midnight.**

**7: Tami never saw a Disney movie before. I am starting to fear Canada a little more each day.**

**Till Next Time, DIB**

I sighed a little and closed my journal book and shoved it back into my bag. Miss Bitters was ranting about the horrors of books and how they all should be burned. It was a little interesting, even though a little stupid. I looked over at Zim and just looked at him.

He wasn't there.

Oh… crap.

"How long did I write in that stupid journal?" I wondered to myself. I looked up at Miss Bitters and raised my hand.

She looked at me, filled to the brim with hate and murderous intent. "No Dib, you cannot chase after Zim!"

Was I that predictable?

I shook my head at the idea. "No Miss Bitter, it isn't that. I need to go to the restroom."

"You went half an hour ago!" She growled.

I bit my lip. "I… I have to go again?"

She glared at me. Finally she pointed at the door. "_Go!_ You fail at everything anyway!"

"I'm your best student!" I cried out, offended.

"You fail at life!"

Well… I can't exactly argue with her there. Silently, I left the room. It was time for saving the world now.

**0o0**

"Well, Zim isn't in the bathrooms!" I declared to the smudged mirror as I turned the rusted knobs. Smelly water gushed out, and I don't think it was very clean. Never the less, I washed my hands and walked out the boy's room with a very sure feeling of self.

But it didn't even take two seconds after the door closed behind me for me to find Zim. He was heading out the door, Gir following loyally behind. That wouldn't have bothered me as much, except there was another person.

"Tami!" I yelled, running after Zim. "Get away from him!"

The girl turned her head innocently at me, never letting go of Zims hand. "Huh?"

That's what I'd like to say too! Huh? Huh? I wanted to ask, why didn't she listen to me? Why Zim is even allowing the girl to hold his hand? _Huh?_

I pushed myself between Zim and Tami and shoved the alien against the wall. "Kidnapping Zim? For poop sake's, she is only six!" I cried.

Zim looked at me with this bewildered expression. I must have caught him by surprise. But he quickly recovered and scowled at me. "I don't care about sleeping children!" He yelled.

"Huh?" I scratched my head in confusion. We all just stood there, looking pretty foolish. Finally, it clicked.

Kidnapping. Kid Napping. Napping also means sleeping, so yes. Zim thought I meant… wait, that still doesn't make sense!

"You know what I mean Zim! Leave Tami alone, she doesn't even know what's going on!" I snapped, as a stood protectively in front of her.

Tami tugged at my coat. "Mr. Dibby? I didn't mean to get Zimmy into towoble!"

"Towoble?" I asked. "You mean trouble, right?"

She shook her head, and suddenly busted into tears. And Gir immediately followed her example. I don't know how it happened, but there was this really awkward moment where Zim and I lost interest in each other and were attempting to calm down our 'children'. I don't know how else to word it, and I guess you can call Gir a child.

"Tami, Tami! Try to quiet down, you'll get us all in trouble!" I said in a calm, somewhat soothing tone of voice. But she only wailed louder, and so did Gir.

Zim was trying another approach. He shook Gir like a Polaroid picture, while ranting about obedience and no more taco's.

"Oh man, what am I going to do?" I muttered. Any moment, a teacher is going to poker her or his head out one of the doors to see what was all racket. And what do you think they are going to see?

They will see two boys picking on a puppy and an adorable child.

Well, at least _one _boy picking on a puppy.

I pick up Tami, and I ran out the doors.


	4. Cheesy

Another update for Royal Pain

**Another update for Royal Pain**

**Once I grow tired of this story, I'll work on the others**

**And guys?**

**I am nowhere near tired yet!**

**By the way…**

**Read Journey to the West!**

**Good book!**

**DISCLAIMER: I own none of the original!**

I carried Tami into the park. She should be safe from Zim here. Dad will understand.

"I don't want to die!" Tami wailed, beating her fists on my back. I set her down, a little confused.

"What are you talking about?" I asked. I felt glad that she finally stopped crying, but now she seems to be freaking out.

Tami tugged at her blouse nervously, which was decorated with ribbons and pink stitching of flowers. "We ran away from that training establishment. That's a serious crime!"

My eyes widened in surprise. What on Earth is she talking about? I placed my hands on her shoulders and gave my best reassuring smile. "Tami, robbing a bank is a serious crime. Pushing an old person down the stairs is a serious crime. All I did was put you out of harms way. I'll explain myself to my dad, you will not get into trouble."

Tami rubbed her eyes dry, seeming to be feeling a little better. I noticed her tears looked a little like a sports drink. It had that weird color. Of course, it has to a trick of the light.

I patted her head. "Come on, I think I know how to cheer up a child."

We started walking around a bit, just to relax a little. Tami had this weird urge to look at every flowerpot and chase every squirrel she came across. I had to restrain her when she tried to pet a rabid raccoon.

It wasn't long until we came across a hotdog stand. Great! Little kids love hotdogs, don't they?

"Look Tami! Food!" I said with a huge cheesy grin. She looked at me a little funny, but shrugged. I brought her up to the stand and looked up at the hotdog man. "I would like a chili-cheese dog, and my friend would like…"

Tami looked at me with a blank expression. I patted her on the shoulder encouragingly. "Come on, tell the nice man what you want." I said.

The 'nice' man burped loudly and scratched his rear. Tami backed away a few steps.

Rolling my eyes, I ordered a plain hotdog for her, and made sure to get plenty mustard and Cat-Sup. I don't want to know why it's called that, as long as it tastes good. After paying the bill, we went to sit at the park bench.

Tami looked down at her shoes, her pink lace was starting to get muddy. "Mr. Dibby, I really do like Zim. I don't think he is a monster." She said.

"Well, he is!" I said. "You'll understand when you're older." I hand her the hotdog, and started to eat my own.

"That's what everyone says!" She cried.

I groaned. What a brat!

"Eat your hotdog." I snapped.

This offended her and she threw her hotdog at my face.

**0o0 (NORMAL POV) 0o0**

Dib and Tami sat on the living room sofa as Professor Membrane paced back and forth. The school had called earlier about Dib 'kidnapping' Tami.

"This is just awful! Awful!" Membrane muttered. "My son, skipping! My son, kidnapping!"

Dib jumped off his seat, looking frantic. "Dad! You have to listen to me, it was Zim!"

"It's always Zim!" Gaz snarled. Dib shot a glare at her, but she returned her full attention to her video game.

"I don't want to hear it!" Membrane pointed his finger to the air dramaticly. "I'm so mad, I could just break the forth wall!"

"But Dad…!"

Membrane stomped his foot. "That's it!" He turns to the readers, and waves. "Hello, I'm smarter then you!"

Dib buried his face into his pillow and screamed in frustration.

**0o0o0**

Zim rubbed his chin thoughtfully as the scene before him played out. "Interesting. The Dib seems to be in trouble… and he is blaming the might ZIM! And I honestly didn't have anything to do with it!"

The computer sighed. "But did you really have to send Gir? He broke twenty of the hidden cameras!"

"Silence! Bugging the human's dwelling area was, is and always will be a great idea!" Zim cried.

"Twenty out of twenty-one!"

"I said silence!"

Gir rolled about on the floor, looking extremely pleased. "I like tacos…" He said with a small giggle.


	5. the TALK

_**Okay, wow.**_

**Not dead, but pretty darn close to it.**

**This is all I can update at the moment. FANBAM is next.**

**I am so tired.**

**And I blame **_**you.**_

**(Points at a stack of papers and books)**

**So sorry for the short chapter.**

**DISCLAIMER: I own none of the original!**

**NOTE: Yes. I realize you guys are smart. I deliberately made it easy to tell that Tami was an Irken. This way, the humor of Dib finding out would be **_**that much funnier**_** because it was under his nose the entire time. So **_**Michelle**_**, sorry to burst your bubble, but the readers are better thinkers then you think. Think about it… THINK, THINK, THINK!**

…**Think a dink a tink… yaaaay…**

_Dib rolled about in his bed, feeling restless. Tami was getting to be a handful, and he wasn't sure what to do. _

"I am supposed to save the world, not play babysitter," I muttered. Zim was serious threat, very, _very _serious.What if Zim were to pull something, and I was too busy teaching Tami how to make finger paint pictures? Or baking a cake in an E-Z Bake Oven? Or (and heaven forbid) about _the birds and the bees?_

I felt my stomach shrink in size at the mere thought. I mean, I would be able to give the Talk much better than my father, or my sister… but it would be so disturbing! What if I say something wrong and she does _something? _I shouldn't have to worry about this kind of thing.Tami's parents must have given her the talk, _RIGHT?!_

"Mr. Dibby, I can't sleep…"

"The stork does it! It's the stork, okay!" I screamed, and pointed at the direction of the door. Tami just stood there, looking a bit frightened, and _very_ confused.

Quickly, I tried to correct the situation.

"I mean… the… um, _dream stork_. It pecks at your brain and keeps you awake!"

I thought that was a brilliant cover up, up until she burst into tears and ran off screaming, '_help, help!'_

**0o0**

Gaz was minding her own business, when Tami ran into her room. Her first instinct was to kick the brat out as quickly as possible, when Tami started blubbering about going blind.

"Mr. Dibby said that a big stroke will peck out my eyes! I don't wanna have a stroke, I don't wanna!" Tami wailed, pulling at Gaz's arms.

"A stroke? Why would…"

"I went in and said that I couldn't sleep, and he yelled at me about strokes!"

Gaz thought about this for a second. This did not sound like Dib, and she was sure Tami was just being stupid again. With that, she promptly kicked the girl out of her room and locked the door.

**0o0**

Tami ended up by herself, in her little guestroom. She was too scared to go back to Dib, because he might just yell something else scary. And Gaz refuses to unlock the door. And Professor Membrane was out of the question on the account of him not being home.

She sighed. It was times like this she missed her sister the most. Going to Earth might have been a bad idea after all…


End file.
